[ funny jokes ] Neat Read

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. Neighbors borrow your tools.   No one expects you to run--anywhere. People call at 9 o'clock in the evening and ask, "Did I wake you ?"   People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.    There is nothing left to learn the hard way. Things you buy now won't wear out. You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"   You are proud of your lawn mower.   You buy a compass for the dash of your car.   You can eat dinner at 4 pm. You can go bowling without drinking.   You can live without sex but not your glasses. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.   You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.   You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.   You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.   You get cable television for the Weather Channel.   You get into a heated argument about pension plans.   You have a dream about prunes.   You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.   You keep busy by sending e-mail to friends. You know what the word "equity" means.   You make an appointment to see the dentist.   You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.   You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.   You send money to PBS.   You sing along with elevator music. You take a metal detector to the beach.   You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.   You wear black socks with sandals.   You would rather go to work than stay home sick.   Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.   Your back goes out more than you do.   Your best friend is dating someone half their age and it isn't breaking any laws.   Your ears are hairier than your head.   Your eyes won't get much worse. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.   Kidnappers are not very interested in you. You can't remember who sent you this list.

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