About 90 sixth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip. Once we were in the air and the crew began trying to serve soft drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down so the beverages could be served and the other passengers could get some sleep.
No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until, as the pilot, I thought of the solution that actually worked: I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced, "Children, this is the captain speaking. Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there."
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Boneless Chicken Breasts
A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher.
"Don't worry, ya ," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
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Married 25 Years
When a man was married 25 years, he took a look at his wife
one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap rented
house and a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a
19-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night
with a hot 25-year-old blonde.
"Now we have an $800,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice bed,
and a plasma screen TV, but now I'm sleeping with a
50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding
up your side of things."
His wife, being a very reasonable woman, told him to go out
and find a hot 25-year-old blonde and she would make sure
that he would once again be living in a cheap rented house,
driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a
19-inch black-and-white TV, if he was lucky.
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Good Advice
A man approached a local person in a village he was
visiting.
"What's the quickest way to York?"
The local scratched his head.
"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving."
"That's the quickest way!"
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No Help
A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."
"Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
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Donations
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor he was going to give him a lot of money when he grew up.
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "But why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had!"
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Gone Golfing
One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
Ben searches diligently throught the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."
Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"
Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
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